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Tom Hanks singing about p*nises on live TV? Now, that would’ve been a moment for the history books. Imagining the Forrest Gump star belting out lyrics that go, “P*nis, P*nis, P*nis, P*nis, P*nis, All Day Long,” sounds like peak comedy. And well, it almost happened, as well.
Back in the day, Hanks was all set to be part of a skit called “The P*nis Song” on Saturday Night Live. But just when things were getting interesting, the sketch got scrapped—right before showtime. The song eventually made it to air but with someone else at the mic. Hanks was Left in the dust, but he still hasn’t forgotten about it.
The Hollywood star knows SNL like the back of his hand. He’s hosted the show so many times that he might as well have his dressing room at 30 Rock. But even with his legendary status, not all of his sketches made the cut. One of them is a musical number dedicated entirely to, well p*nises. As per James Andrew Miller and Tom Shales’ Live From New York (via Showbiz Cheat Sheet), the song went something like this: “P*nis, P*nis, P*nis, P*nis, P*nis, All Day Long. P*nis, P*nis, P*nis, P*nis, P*nis Song.”
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That was the entire joke. Just a never-ending chant of the word “p*nis.” The sketch made it to the table read but got cut before showtime. Hanks figured that was the end of it. No p*nis anthem for him. No history-making TV moment. Just another lost sketch in the SNL graveyard. But plot twist: the song did make it to air later. And no, Hanks wasn’t the one singing it.
Fast forward to SNL Season 14. Matthew Broderick—Ferris Bueller himself—was hosting. And guess what sketch made a surprise comeback? Yep. The P*nis Song. The skit took place at a nude beach. Broderick’s character was very aware of how often people were talking about, uh, size. Feeling awkward, he decided to just roll with it. And what’s the best way to own an awkward moment? Start a musical number, obviously.
So, Broderick and a group of SNL cast members—Dana Carvey, Nora Dunn, Kevin Nealon, and Dennis Miller—broke into song. And just like that, “The P*nis Song” was finally broadcast on national television.
Not surprisingly, the sketch got reactions. Lots of them. Network censors had actually approved the word “p*nis” for that week, so SNL decided to push the limit. They didn’t just use the word once or twice—they hammered it home. Over and over and over again.
Some people thought it was hilarious. Others? Very much not. Viewers flooded NBC with hate mail, complaining that SNL had taken things too far. The controversy didn’t kill the show (obviously), but it did make waves. And Tom Hanks? He could only watch from the sidelines. “Somebody else got to sing The P*nis Song on TV,” he once said. “God bless him.” If Hanks had sung The P*nis Song, it would’ve become legendary. But alas, in this universe, Hanks never got his chance.
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